Insidious Adaptation

Gun laws, something of a debate these days. After all, when inanimate objects start to take over, killing hundreds a year, I too have my concerns. If only there was a way to understand the workings of tools that have evolved over the past few decades into these killing machines. Unfortunately, I have not come across the self-workings of a handgun, much like a hammer or the stinging steel of a blade. Therefore, I will attest to what I do know a little about, being human. Though my experience in humanism has only been 32 years, I have spent much time in this brain of mine, and in the last fifth or more helping others with what they present in their mind. This makes me nothing of an expert, however does allow me to contribute a perspective with intent to assist those who try to control. Those are left tired and angry, spreading soiled words on their children and so on. One apparent, and safer route to travel down is that of ice cream, or more specifically, ice-cream-type foods, a, ...

What I used to see. "Dude, you're a big guy." A passer-by at the gym, a man whom I've never seen before. Thanks, but you've got no idea what goes on in my head . My thoughts resonate into, "Thanks man." A reluctant response these days. "Yea but when I was your age, I was like twice your size." His response. ...and there it is. What you see is not what you get, not when it comes to how a person looks anyways. Quite honestly, this goes deeper, but I want to stay here for a moment. I want to stay on the surface, the cover of the book, what we see other people as. I am reminded occasionally by my daughter, who appears to view her cousins, who happen to be identical twins, as two completely different people. The adults stammer about as these girls must cater to us when we get the name wrong, as though each day we have to be reintroduced. My daughter is given a gift to give to one, the adults cross their fingers as she starts walking to...

Reaching for the air in a sea of raging water. Like wind-torn, sheets smacking against my face. White caps into waves into a drowning pound of Poseidon’s Trident. I know that air is what I need. I know that what I feel is legit. I know that I am doing the best I can, but this dark mass beneath my chin, upholding and at times consuming my body, scares me. At times the water is calm and I am floating above it, relaxed, balanced. The fear of being swallowed whole lingers even in as another wave passes. It is times like these my questions of life's purpose are fueled. I can’t help but ponder in the midst of animosity, negative and condescending tones of other people in the room that what I am doing is wrong and that what happens when they figure out I don’t belong here. I want to eat my emotions as I leave the stuffy room of passive-aggressive peoples, more as I get to the comfort of my own mind where I no longer have to present. I no longer have to nod nor do I have to sit there with...

In elementary school there was this sales program to raise funds for school equipment or something. I have no clue what the money from sales of chocolates went towards, just that it was a yearly thing and it always happened early in the school year so that the mostly-obligated customers (parents co-wroker of parents, neighbors) would get their over-priced candies or popcorn by Thanksgiving. I remember having a little bit of funds to where I could buy from myself as well. Essentially, get high on my own supply. Looking through the pages of a book full of goodies, was like me in a candy....wait, literally I was in a candy store and I was able to get whatever I wanted. The catch, I had to wait months, when I could go to the gas station and purchase something now. However, these candies were not just regular candies, they were labeled as, " The World's Finest Chocolates. " Yes, I remember taking the title literally as though we were dealing a delicacy to the public, pro...

One of my favorite pastime desserts during the Easter weekend was the Jell-O, jiggler eggs. These babies were a thick gelatinous mix through and through. Pure, unadulterated, collagen, color, and sugar where there was no chewing no breaking down involved and quite honestly I had attempted to swallow whole eggs at my peak. What was best about these thick, Jell-O creations was that the consistency was throughout and there was a lot of it. One of the reasons these overly-large candy bars, like the 2 pound Reese's or the 5 pound Hershey chocolate bars don't entice even the chubbiest of memories inside of me is because I image the texture has to change to make a bar, or a Reese's that big. There is no way the ratio of chocolate to peanut butter is the same, just bigger. Just like when I used to eat Macaroni growing up, I hated the shapes because they seemed to taste different, like some kind  of ingredient was in the noodles to help them hold their cartoon shape.  The rat...

Isolation manifests shame, validation increases safety.  How bad can it be, after all, I live in America, I am a white male with a degree and a job, technically, I am richer than most of the world. So then, what could I possibly have to complain about? Unfortunately, like a passive-aggressive remark from a parent reinforcing a competitive environment, some of the most subtle, excused things in life cause some of the biggest problems. No, not problems like lacking clean water, inadequate amounts of food, or having parents that don’t love, or abused me, but in their own way, the forming of the mind around problems too minimized to take note of can be invalidating. Invalidation seems to be the root cause of many life’s a folly. When you see a couple arguing, usually when you cut through the yelling, the little comments, you see that the invalidation, or discounting of each other’s feelings lies at the surface. This can extend to children who's parents didn’t acknowledge them o...

Fuming in a meeting or annoyed at what I feel to be provoking comments in the hall.The parts I see, I am unaware specifically as to what they are, but I notice something, something I don’t like, something rather, distasteful.  “Why don’t you just…”  I’m not sure how to finish that sentence because I am not exactly sure what it is you are doing, or what overall quality you exude that I just cannot stand. Maybe it’s the way you dress differently than I do, or the way you cut me off in mid sentence. Yea, that’s what it is. You are rude, inconsiderate, and well, wait, you are just being honest, your words aren’t really there to “cut me off.” OK, so you do have some genuine parts to you, authenticity that I lack, that I will admit.  OH MY GOSH! Now I am embarrassed. You are more of what I lack, and it took me months of justifying me right and you wrong to see what was right in front of me. I see in you what it is I want to see in myself, being authentic in al...

The neurons are taking a break today. Whether it be the catch or the release in the synapse, or maybe even further down in the manufacturing department, there is a lack of something. I would say too much, however, I am familiar with this feeling. I am more insightful than to assume this is anything new, anything I am unfamiliar with, anything that I don’t already take medications for due to my apparent lack thereof. Even in this familiarity, there is a sense of nostalgia for a life I may have had without it, without this.  The feeling cannot be explained, or even fully understood, is all it can be is acknowledged and appreciated to some degree. Yes, I did mean appreciated. Appreciation for the “good” and the “bad” feelings, is really all I have left to do here, the only thing that matters, and the only thing worth wasting my time on. I could moan and groan, say poor me, or try to cover with caffeine or other things, but yet, underneath it all, it's still me. I am not defined b...

The pile is growing now, reminders of a food no longer stimulating enough to satisfy, more so a reflection of my indulgent self, alive and well. As time goes, decisions are made, and I inevitably become leaner in the process, I notice it. I feel the tinge of desire, one only processed foods seems to fill, one I cannot satisfy doing what I am doing now. That, right there, this pile of empty sweetener packets reminds me, if I allow it to set in, that I am not doing so well.  It’s a subtle thing really, to look at behaviors with minor internal consequences, easily overlooked as, "not that bad." It’s hard to take a look at behaviors, so easily justified, and hold myself to this stringent standard because I do know better. I took the blue pill after all, I followed the rabbit hole down as far as I could, I had to look at the Lost Arc, only to have my mind changed, forever. Ignorance is no longer a friend of mine. At one time, he was a friend, a best friend in fact, authen...