Some Days.

The neurons are taking a break today. Whether it be the catch or the release in the synapse, or maybe even further down in the manufacturing department, there is a lack of something. I would say too much, however, I am familiar with this feeling. I am more insightful than to assume this is anything new, anything I am unfamiliar with, anything that I don’t already take medications for due to my apparent lack thereof. Even in this familiarity, there is a sense of nostalgia for a life I may have had without it, without this. 

The feeling cannot be explained, or even fully understood, is all it can be is acknowledged and appreciated to some degree. Yes, I did mean appreciated. Appreciation for the “good” and the “bad” feelings, is really all I have left to do here, the only thing that matters, and the only thing worth wasting my time on. I could moan and groan, say poor me, or try to cover with caffeine or other things, but yet, underneath it all, it's still me. I am not defined by this as I once was, with my apparent over-competence on days I felt this way, but it doesn’t mean it affects me any less. Now I just see it for the familiar foe it is, a relationship like Magneto and Professor Xavier, a banter of back and forth, yet remaining on opposite sides. I know he’s there, he just takes more breaks than he used to. He rests so when he makes an appearance the rest of me is able to remember all the times without him. 

The worst part of, “this feeling” of a depressed affect, if I wasn’t clear earlier, are the insidious ways it affects thought process. Everything from taste of foods, to perspective on people, to things I usually take joy in, not only altered, but manipulated as though I couldn’t possibly understand liking them as much as I think I did. Other thoughts are the point of life if we are going to die anyway, why do this or that, or even who cares what a person does or doesn’t do because we are all temporarily in this form. Even the thought of death is not an agitated suicidal ideation, but a realization of truth, an inevitable truth about the end for us all. Though I believe in Heaven and that I will be going there, still, this life, us people, we are all going to die, so again, what’s the point? 

Yet, I know better. I know there is a point and that I just cannot see it right at the moment. I know that to the foundation of me there is a purpose that means something and that on these days I have to put in more work to show that side of me. Not everyday is, “easy” because my will to be a contributing person exists, no, I have to recognize behavior flaws in myself and identify what they look like and then deal with them as they occur, lacking the reliance of “feels” to determine if or how I will contribute today. I know that going through the motions as I am most familiar is also another great way to stay on track and even pull myself out of this mood quicker. After all, there is nothing worse than making a rash decision when feeling down, only to receive consequences that keep you there. In my past I would justify binges on food to make me feel better, only to then stay in the “flat” state longer with more consequences. This is why I have to work harder on this on these days more than others, not using the feels as an excuse to give up or lack what I know is best. 

Though I might be more overall “productive” on the days my feels are better, I know more work is actually done on these, “other” days. With enough work and maintaining hope for a better day tomorrow, this too shall pass, and consequences will be minimized for the version of me tomorrow, or even later this afternoon. Instead of sulking in it, I do have the choice to embrace it because when I feel better, my mood picks up, the guys in my brain start firing appropriately again, that food, that chair, those moments, and my sessions are going to feel so good. Is all I need is a little reminder of what the, “other” days feel like. 

Earlier in my life I seemed to have more bad days than good. Body image disorders, left unattended to will do that to a person. Click HERE to see. 

God Bless, and hopefully your day is better.