Moment of Conviction.

In elementary school there was this sales program to raise funds for school equipment or something. I have no clue what the money from sales of chocolates went towards, just that it was a yearly thing and it always happened early in the school year so that the mostly-obligated customers (parents co-wroker of parents, neighbors) would get their over-priced candies or popcorn by Thanksgiving. I remember having a little bit of funds to where I could buy from myself as well. Essentially, get high on my own supply.

Looking through the pages of a book full of goodies, was like me in a candy....wait, literally I was in a candy store and I was able to get whatever I wanted. The catch, I had to wait months, when I could go to the gas station and purchase something now. However, these candies were not just regular candies, they were labeled as, "The World's Finest Chocolates." Yes, I remember taking the title literally as though we were dealing a delicacy to the public, providing a service. 

When my own sales order came in, it was like an early Christmas. My own tin of individually wrapped mint chocolates, all sealed, just for me. I cannot recall if my parents attempted to regulate my consumption or not, however by this time in life I had became pretty good at hiding things, so maybe it was corrupt from the get-go. As I held the hexagon shaped tin and the old-timey images graced the lid shined back at me, promising all the goodies I wanted, whenever I wanted, it brought with it a sense of satisfaction that few things did at the time. 

Soon after opening the seal and looking inside, a small tinge of disappointment had to be dealt with. The tin was technically only half full, there was room in there for so much more candy. If I were packing these tins, chocolates would have fallen out from the time the seal no longer held the pieces back. It wasn't until later in life would I understand the economics of children's sales for school being overpriced, and commemorative tins were all a gimmick. However, after the initial pain, I was able to see what I did get, and that was small, chocolate, minty candies individually wrapped and shiny, inviting me into the tin with them to bathe in the glory of pleasure. 

One of the greatest pleasures I discovered as a child was sweets. Nothing, absolutely nothing, did what food, more specifically sweets, did for me. It made everything better. Sweets took away boredom, took away pain, took it all away and left me, even for a short while, feeling high as a kite (after I discovered what high meant later in life). I would never have labeled myself as a chocolate person, per se, typically more of a pastry connoisseur. However, chocolate had its place in my heart and the way it melted, releasing its goodness to spread all over my tongue, to get pushed up to the roof of the mouth, to both stimulate with sweetness and satisfy with the fat, for those few seconds, life was awesome. 

At the time I was ignorant to consequences of over eating and the chains food had on me. I was unaware of mental health, addiction, family history, pain of finding balance in life, and the need for nutrition. During this time in life I was able just to eat chocolate at my will and let the world be right, for just a short moment I know, but it was MY moment. One I fought to hold on to. Despite all the innocence of my consumption, I was able to tell that I kept coming back and could not leave the tin once opened. 

I recall being home from school, the tin sitting on the floor, lid off, and I would sneak a piece from myself, only to promise this was the last one. A battle was waged with will power and wanting more later. I wanted to have this pleasure longer than just now, and these were not my typically snuck candies to where there was a limit, theses were already mine, and I could save them. However, I couldn't. I kept coming back to the tin. Shortly after I would unwrap the candy, place it in my mouth, no matter how slow and methodical, once the candy melted and the feeling hit my brain, then quickly left. I was right back at it again. 

Did someone just open a bag of Reese's?

In that moment of taste, that moment of feeling, while the chocolate did its thing, while the mint reminded my mind what I preferred, offsetting the smooth chocolate just enough. While this chemical reaction was going on inside of me, I was truly convinced that this was the last piece. I was good, and no longer will I crave anything. Much like the feeling after a meal, when all the food went to all the right areas of the tongue, a mind satisfied, and you cannot imagine eating any more. A few hours later, that damned conviction of "never" turns into, "well maybe," quickly into, "yes." 

The conviction passes, the pleasure once felt, not enough to withhold a person from over consuming, not just food either, but anything that provides a powerhouse of pleasure. This could be drugs, sex, that partner we cannot get enough of, attention, affection, sugar, salt, money, no matter what it is, it was meant to be temporary, trigger the desire for more, but that drive has the potential to kill us as well. However, here right now, whenever you received what you wanted, what you sought, in that short amount of time, you were content, demanding that you were going to change with all the convictions only read about in poetry. 

Convictions to change come and go. If you really desire to make a change, that is done in the times before consumption, when things may not be, "all right" but instead you discover why you are searching. Why we continue to return to the muddy lake as though we are tied to it, unwilling to venture out to the cool, crisp spring up the road. We want to be different, gain control, and yet we depend on some feeling as though we are at the mercy of our primal minds, as though we cannot learn other ways, sacrifice for what we want. For without sacrifice being a part of change, what did we really change? 

Castle-Broken, a book on male body image disorders, my obsession with food turned into one for bodybuilding and the destruction in life it caused for me and others, available HERE. 

God Bless.