Warning Signs.

The pile is growing now, reminders of a food no longer stimulating enough to satisfy, more so a reflection of my indulgent self, alive and well. As time goes, decisions are made, and I inevitably become leaner in the process, I notice it. I feel the tinge of desire, one only processed foods seems to fill, one I cannot satisfy doing what I am doing now. That, right there, this pile of empty sweetener packets reminds me, if I allow it to set in, that I am not doing so well. 

It’s a subtle thing really, to look at behaviors with minor internal consequences, easily overlooked as, "not that bad." It’s hard to take a look at behaviors, so easily justified, and hold myself to this stringent standard because I do know better. I took the blue pill after all, I followed the rabbit hole down as far as I could, I had to look at the Lost Arc, only to have my mind changed, forever. Ignorance is no longer a friend of mine. At one time, he was a friend, a best friend in fact, authentic in nature, there to remind me that, “You’re doing the best you can.” Well, too bad I turned him away, for I could use that friendly pat on the back now, reassuring me that I am OK. Now I am sitting here having eaten from the tree of knowledge and now I realize how naked I am, how well I am not doing. 

Jesus saved me, for this I know, my plan for the afterlife. While here however, while I am expected to thrive on this planet and assist, I have to remain on top of my own self care before I can extend to others. I cannot extend more then I give myself, for this is how people experience what is called, “burnout.” I have experienced and lived in the trenches of, “burnout” to where I denied its existence, avoided looking at myself and my behaviors. I want, much like we all do, to be in control, know that my choices are the best for me. Sadly, I prove myself wrong more times than am right, this example being just one of many. 

“So you added some sweetener to your coffee, oh, and you might have eaten a packet or two, oh, you also put it on some nut butter, and in your tea, and in some Almond milk for another variation of a ‘sweet’ treat.” 

Nobody could defended these embarrassing actions, for they are mine, a representation of what going “too extreme” within myself and a reminder when I get imbalanced the result is of minimizing consequences and hiding actions. I am writing strictly to no longer hide, but expose. I want to, “put it out there,” that I am not “fixed” but in maintenance with periods of relapse into old behaviors I am unfortunate to know. These behaviors of mine are problems, though the rewards of control and the appearance of health are thick enough and strong enough to cover these flaws, not to me, not with who I want to be. 

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Striving each and every day to better oneself, is not only in what we do, but in how we think, all the little instances so easily overlooked, minimized as the detriments they are. Like building a brick house without bricks, without looking into the material that goes into being the person, or house, desired, and missing the point of the significance of each individual brick. This instance, this pile of sweetener packets is not the bricks I want to build my house. I cannot overlook this, for it is something I know I am capable of. Excess comes easy to me, as well as restriction, but what I struggle in is balance. This pile reminds me of that, and reminds me to pay attention, look into the underlying things causing the imbalance, and rather than overlook and minimize due to the reward, I have to start to remedy these small detriments to prevent further deviation from a desired path. 

Pay attention out there. Look to your destination and remain aware to all the small steps that you chose and see if they pertain to your end goal. If they don’t then stop doing that thing. You know better. Mindlessness is a hole covered in leaves where before we know it we are drinking our own urine at the bottom to stay alive.

More struggles, all in the name of helping those who can relate, found HERE.