THAT Person.

Fuming in a meeting or annoyed at what I feel to be provoking comments in the hall.The parts I see, I am unaware specifically as to what they are, but I notice something, something I don’t like, something rather, distasteful. 

“Why don’t you just…” 

I’m not sure how to finish that sentence because I am not exactly sure what it is you are doing, or what overall quality you exude that I just cannot stand. Maybe it’s the way you dress differently than I do, or the way you cut me off in mid sentence. Yea, that’s what it is. You are rude, inconsiderate, and well, wait, you are just being honest, your words aren’t really there to “cut me off.” OK, so you do have some genuine parts to you, authenticity that I lack, that I will admit. 

OH MY GOSH!

Now I am embarrassed. You are more of what I lack, and it took me months of justifying me right and you wrong to see what was right in front of me. I see in you what it is I want to see in myself, being authentic in all situations whether the other person likes it or not. That is so good for you. You get to live, unfiltered, unrestrained, being you, exerting energies in all the right places. I tend to devote resources to the “appropriate” way of doing things. You don’t care what people think so your energies are appropriately devoted to projects, to understanding, and most of all, I see you bettering people's lives. 

No, we do not go about that last part in the same way, for I see things differently than you do. I learned what people cared about and mimicked, so of course I see a “solution” to problems differently. I also see what that side is against, what this side agrees with, I am what is called empathetic, when most days I feel just pathetic. I tend to be feeble in my stance because I see what the other side sees thus corroding my resolve. I see what you don’t like and know to hide it from you. You though, I think you see my discomfort when you speak, and so you provoke, subtly, subconsciously, to get my authenticity to come out. 

Ha ha, this I cannot help but recognize the irony in. You want me to be authentic so you do provoke, and yet, I disliked you because you were authentic, something I respect the utmost in people. Maybe I do not always agree with what you say, but dang it, I am glad people like you exist to say it. 

You probably don’t like me because I make you curious. You see my ability to float from group to group presenting favorably. You see it, and outside of any initial jealousy, you know it’s because I am merely a chameleon. I mimic sure, but I do it well because I care too. I do care in what I do, I do care to help, for this we can agree on. What I have a hard time doing is shutting off the ability to see both sides, and just pick one. Jesus had a resolve and went with it despite knowing the troubles that kept people away from believing in him. Great writers of the past also had a resolve they stuck to, allowing their publications to be worth what they are today. People all over the world doing things because they are driven by a blind conviction, not wavering to opposition, and following this part of themselves into hell or oppression if they have to. 

 

So, in the end, I dislike you because it reminds me of the disdain I have for myself. Something that time, practice, and recognition when engaged allows me to improve upon, thus breaking down my outside favorable self. 

For the full story, why I might have done this for so long, and what work continues to look like now, as can be seen with this writing, Click HERE. 

God Bless.