The Health of Accepting.

Recently my family and I were reminded of what life was like, pre-internet. The era my daughter will never know came upon us on Friday afternoon as we were all coming home with high expectations to indulge our Wifi-using selves. For me, it was going to be another promotional post on Instagram or Facebook (promoting my book, Castle-Broken, sold here), for my wife it was going to be her Sims game, probably, along with other social media outlets. Even my daughter uses the Wifi as the unlimited number of Sesame Street episodes on Hulu inform her of numbers and letters and of course, Elmo's World with the klutz Mr. Noodle who, I am sorry, reminds me of some Black Mirror's episode (this guy is trapped in some room, with nothing else but whatever Elmo finds necessary to entertain some omnipresent audience who tells Mr. Noodle he is doing it wrong, a bumbling hell if you ask me.)

The Wifi was out, thus a strong persuasion to make a service call to the dreaded customer service on a Friday afternoon. The result of a 20-minute call of a service woman reading what sounded like a script, was the potential of a repair man coming out anytime from Friday evening through Sunday at 6PM (yes, a 48 hour window of opportunity).

The technician arrived at the house on a sunny Sunday afternoon, 2 days later. His name was Gordon, a nice, older gentleman, whom knows his stuff, is no-nonsense about his work, and I think hooked me and my family up right (we will see with some more time). Gordon has been to the house before, when he hooked up our Internet the last time, about a month ago. We are familiar, he is calm with our dogs whom can be a bit, "nosey," but Gordon doesn't seem to mind.

We have a familiarity, sure, but when he was working, having to move some of my daughter's toys out of the way due to her recent temper tantrum, I offered him a drink, for which he declined. Now, this sounds small, but it has its significance. The main thing here is that he declined what I offered, and as subtle as it was, I was a little disappointed myself, for it feels nice for people to take what is offered. Sharing of things seems to be a doorway to intimacy, a vulnerability that is allowed to exist thus one party fulfilling the unspoken desire, or even need of the other, like there was a stronger. connection here, a human bond even.

Unfortunately, I have been guilty of declining that which is offered to me since I was able to make decisions. Not just food, but I have turned down help from people, invites to do stuff, feedback, jobs, volunteer opportunities, but the worst, however, I feel the most invasive to a relationship in its infancy, is the turning down of food or drink.

I do have a former eating and body image disorder (again, the book, click Here) but it is my need to control, driven by my underlying shame to be something greater than I see myself, that has me turn down people's offerings of food or drink. It is my attempt to control my environment, thus control how my body looks, thus have a value to others, mostly to myself. After all, at my worst, what else was I besides, "the big guy," but an inadequate kid with nothing significant enough to be noticed. I feared the world due to not feeling noticed, to the point where I demanded attention, found something that worked to get it, and went all in.

The turning down of food was due to what others thought, "my social eating habits," and they were correct, at a surface layer. Deeper than that though, I was too shameful to take what you offered because I A. didn't deserve it, and B. knew that it was a small step in a direction away from a self with this identity, thus taking away everything I thought had value.

Even in the time of Jesus as fish and bread were offered to his followers and the miracle of everyone getting fed due to Jesus's ability to convert some into plenty (Matthew 14: 13-21), I am so scared that if I had been there I would have actually declined the bread, because of "gluten ya know", or "Jesus, I am doing Keto actually, you have any coconut oil? " Ridiculous in thought, but again, the truth lies in the audacity of a self in situations up until now, assumed to be truthful in all, history repeating itself, and we don't just wake up one day changed.

Matthew 13:20 They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. 

For some of us who struggle with control issues, we are really struggling with shame issues. We feel as though we are not enough and we need to hold on to what we think we can control. For any developed disordered eating, we inhibit and drown ourselves with the control of what we think our body could look like and the meticulous steps we believe need to be achieved to get there.

Turning down someone's offering of food, drink, help, advice, is like turning away a boat in the vast open seas, like turning down air when grasping for breath, like turning down hope with a gun to your head, people are willing to extend, we need to do our part and be willing to accept. Realizing that you are the one interfering with yourself is the hardest thing to admit to, but realization starts in the details, where the devil lies.

Takes that what is given to you and make do with it what you will. Let go of control, allow other's kindness, even if the food is a sugary cupcake, embrace you, and allow your resilience to improve as the facade of control slips through your fingers like sand on the beach. This will help with relationships, all the way to the built up ability to be resilient to the things you cannot control, which by now should be evident as anything outside of you.

Again, my book, sold here. 

God Bless.