Insidious Adaptation

I gave myself 20 minutes to do this, so here it goes. What can we learn about ourselves if we truly play the tape through in its entirety? I'm talking like we see ourselves make a choice and mentally observe the potential consequences. Wait, don't stop there, keep going. OK, so a consequence occurs, maybe a reward, and then what, you pay your dues move on, learn from it or no? Do you see yourself making the same choice twice, even after what you're noticing from this time? That would be crazy right, and I do mean crazy. Like if you could redo the lottery numbers for Saturday after you know your numbers weren't the winning combination, only to pick the exact same numbers? Like, do you just want to be right so bad you would risk being wrong? Playing things through, like really through, might mean that we come right back to where we are now; left with a decision to make. Change isn't really what many people seem to think it is in my opinion. Instead, I encourag...

She has always been such a formal display of cruelty. For me, I have known her more as a Halloween prop than anything else. Through a few history lessons, I understood lynching. Now, I see her differently. I see the craft and variety of ways she is made. Rarely is she actually made the way I saw growing up. We visualize a rope, in reality she can be a tie, a t-shirt, a blanket even, for the rope can be too obvious a giveaway. When you say rope I think of water skiing, I think of a ladder up to a tree house, rarely do I consider the same rope used for someone to exit stage left, early. Yanked out while the audience looked away, never to return. There is no bow after this performance. The play keeps going without skipping a beat, reminding the audience that character, you, were background at best. The play wasn’t about you. Even a lead actor, taken off stage, the one we were meant to look at, he is a shock, he grabs your attention. Luckily there are many others and things to satiate...

Reaching for the air in a sea of raging water. Like wind-torn, sheets smacking against my face. White caps into waves into a drowning pound of Poseidon’s Trident. I know that air is what I need. I know that what I feel is legit. I know that I am doing the best I can, but this dark mass beneath my chin, upholding and at times consuming my body, scares me. At times the water is calm and I am floating above it, relaxed, balanced. The fear of being swallowed whole lingers even in as another wave passes. It is times like these my questions of life's purpose are fueled. I can’t help but ponder in the midst of animosity, negative and condescending tones of other people in the room that what I am doing is wrong and that what happens when they figure out I don’t belong here. I want to eat my emotions as I leave the stuffy room of passive-aggressive peoples, more as I get to the comfort of my own mind where I no longer have to present. I no longer have to nod nor do I have to sit there with...

When I first graduated with my bachelor's degree after seven years of in and out of school, many degree switches, and goal-interfering behaviors, I finally got my first job in my field. Little did I know that first job was going to be working at a group home with adolescent boys whom had a criminal rap sheet larger than grown men I would later work with. The funniest part of the job was that the first time I went in for the interview I had to take a basic math exam, which I failed. My pride interfered with my ability to conduct basic, elementary-level mathematics and budget a grocery ledger. "I'm sorry Mr. Meier, you failed the math test, you are not eligible for hire at this time." The words shook through my body, crumbled my foundation, made me reflect on every other inadequacy that was now exposed. Pain searing through my temples, a throbbing that made me want to lash out at him, the HR guy (whom later became a Facebook friend). I wanted to hurt someone, I wa...

A bowl of oatmeal, a few eggs, this is what I chose to eat this morning before heading to the gym. A few cups of coffee, because, well, let's be honest, I am up earlier than I should be. Being tired is not a foreign concept to me, for I have either woken up early, or stayed up too late for much of my life. As many people do, I rely on what "science" tells me to do, to help remedy these problems. As a child I wanted to be better than what I was, and eventually into adulthood, I wanted to just be better than. I wanted people to think I was smart, for "look what I told you." I wanted people to like me, but more importantly, look up to me, for I was presenting as a smart person, something I always feared I wasn't. I wanted you to see everything about me that I couldn't see. I was able to take something concrete-ish like nutritional information, and provide that to people with my own unique insight to relate, to comfort, ultimately to persuade you that I ...

This isn't going to go the way you think... The best line from the latest official Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi .  In the scene, Luke, the master, is trying to coach young Rey about forces, right and wrong, through his own experiences, reporting what he knows to be a hard truth. No matter how hard a person tries, or how bad they may want something, sometimes it just isn't going to go your way, or as expected. Unfortunately, plenty of things do go our way that we fail to acknowledge. Certain failures or hard times end up bringing out the best in us. A break-up, a firing from a job, a failed project, only to produce the better version later. Uh hem, failed writing attempts to convey what I thought a clear message, however feedback says otherwise. It's really two things that all of the online success coaches are going to promote. The same basic ideas that children are taught, to pick yourself up when you fall, and to learn from the failure. These two concepts a...

In elementary school there was this sales program to raise funds for school equipment or something. I have no clue what the money from sales of chocolates went towards, just that it was a yearly thing and it always happened early in the school year so that the mostly-obligated customers (parents co-wroker of parents, neighbors) would get their over-priced candies or popcorn by Thanksgiving. I remember having a little bit of funds to where I could buy from myself as well. Essentially, get high on my own supply. Looking through the pages of a book full of goodies, was like me in a candy....wait, literally I was in a candy store and I was able to get whatever I wanted. The catch, I had to wait months, when I could go to the gas station and purchase something now. However, these candies were not just regular candies, they were labeled as, " The World's Finest Chocolates. " Yes, I remember taking the title literally as though we were dealing a delicacy to the public, pro...