Vulnerable.

It was the night after a long run, one where I went out too far, gone too long, didn't eat enough either. It was a time when I thought I could push it a little more, a little farther, and maybe I could finally obtain a coveted self-accomplishment to allow myself a little peace.

"When I hit 15 miles, then I will buy those new shoes." 

I will never buy the shoes, I just need something to look forward to, even if that, "thing" will never be allowed to happen. 

It was at the end of one of those days, where the push of an accomplishment consumes any other idea that is life and the payment for such an accomplishment, isn't just the fatigue, for that is masterable, but it is the mental craving for something. 

I have a theory based loosely in logic, one of chemicals and exercise; the longer the exercise, the more the chemicals used, so then the less brain chemicals there are later. Either way, I was burned, a longer, deeper burn that muscles provide, but one that I was unable to shake. 

I ate and craved foods more than I care to admit, I thought of sex more than other times, I was bored, I was discontent. It was in my state of subconscious searching for a stimulation that ruined what would have otherwise been a very content night. The balance between exercise and relaxation was broken, and I fell short. 

Sin causes pain, pain disrupts our life and can manifest more pain, more sin to compensate. It is painful to deny what God says is good for us and to rely on money, sex, attention, accomplishments to give us value when we are to find value in Him. We are saved, or we are wretched sinners meant to die. When saved, He is enough for us. When we fail to accept the word of God as truth, that Jesus Christ is our only savior and way to Heaven, then we fail to be valuable anyways. Jesus came to save those that are broken, blind, poor, and oppressed. When we are well we fail to receive a gift, it is only when we are sick that we seek salvation. 

I am sick. I am an evil sinner incapable of what is demanded of me. I argue, justify, and in the end, I pay for it in more ways than one. The "one" tonight was the fatigue and constant searching for something to make me better. The other consequences are a familiar pattern of reinforcing accomplishments to provide value, or a need to be lean, or to brag on look what I have done. The ego is an insidious and smart character defect that lies within us all. Even after the acceptance of Jesus and the Fall of Satan in my life, the wretched failure known as me, still lingers. 

Every morning I pray for less of me and more of the Holy Spirit, for it is only with Him running the show that I have anything useful to contribute. If it were me, there would always be one more, a need to fulfill and one less of a failure. With Him, I am saved, He is enough. I am to obey for that is my calling, and my rewards or accomplishments may not be seen here, for it is already written. 

Galatians 2:20 - "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."