Celi-but
"The feels," given permission to take over as hormones are reason enough to indulge our desires. As though we have no control of who drives the car, only that we are in the passenger seat and we pray for no crash, or at least airbags if we do.
Kids are having sex.
Sadly I did, too young. I was too immature, not ready for the what I was giving up. No value to myself, only for others to see me as equal. Wanting to fit in with the world, a social group, peers, to discuss in the locker room with detail now, for this is what we do right? How we make sense of our actions, by measuring against those around us?
It was dark, too dark, for neither of us wanted to see what was going on. I prayed for it to end, just to be done, for if I could have gotten a reprieve from this act and still claimed to have done it, I would have. The sex was not wanted, but to claim I had sex, for I couldn't go to college a virgin. A dark room, an adolescent kid, practice putting on a condom in record time, for I had to seem cool. No movie taught me how to be strategic, for that part always seemed to be left out. Purchasing them was enough, for I pretended they were a joke, a goof, as the Wal-Mart cashier checked me out, praying she doesn't know my mom or go to my church.
I was in a long, drawn-out sin, with no end, not until one of these suckers was used, for real this time.
I thought this was noble, what I was supposed to do? I thought that sure, the Bible mentions celibacy, but that was Old Testament, right? Like, God, how could I possibly make it through high school, not to mention the media depictions of college, and then marry? I wasn't even sure I was going to follow-through with that sort of thing, it just seemed like a bunch of ties, when I wanted to do stuff.
Bartering with God, how my adolescence showed its ignorance there. Praying for the act to be over, strike two, the third strike was when I decided, committed, and like a gym routine did what was planned out in my head. The details too vague, for images from every TV show, movie, even porno flashed in my mind asking myself "was I doing this right?", "Am I supposed to look at her?" "Am I supposed to do this or that?" What I was supposed to do wasn't laid out. In fact, in that imperfect imperfect moment, laid was all it was. There was no beauty, there was no good feeling. Instead there was an emptiness that I now can tell the guys, with conviction, "oh yea, I know that." Guys I would not see much longer for we were all going to college.
With my head bowed low, a pathetic feeling grabbed a hold of me. Not fully able to understand it then, but I just signed my ticket to a life without conviction, a wishy washy way to "fit in" all the while giving up the gifts God gave me. He gave me a unique mind, a beautiful spirit, and I was born with a purity, and I gave all of it away for the world to offer their stale candy and empty promises of happiness.
As I looked in the mirror that night after my amateurish accomplishment, a goal met, I felt nauseous. I played it in my mind as nerves, but it was deeper. I lost something I couldn't get back, and as any parent will tell their kids now, virginity does mean something, do not just give it up to anyone. The idea of sex until marriage is a beautiful thing that allows such a conviction of it's sufferer, and allows for a beautiful gift to give your partner, not to mention naturally dissipates difficulties in relationships due to sexual tension, expectations for sex, prevention of disease, prevention of unwanted pregnancy, prevention of a social deterioration and could eliminate many a youth suicide attempts I believe.
As the next couple weeks passed with an impending fear of pregnancy, for again, movies, music videos and the like, swirled around my head like a protein shake from the gym, I at least could say, it has been done.
I messed up, so you really can't take my advice, but in retrospect (which is where all the good stuff seems to come from) I would have held on to it, stood for my convictions, and became the man I was supposed to be earlier on.
Words in the Bible do mean something and as the world continues, lost, broken, lied to, pissed off even, we have to ask ourselves, "This is where we look for our admiration?" Why not look higher, for we have always been loved, and for that, we can love ourselves.
Kids are having sex.
Sadly I did, too young. I was too immature, not ready for the what I was giving up. No value to myself, only for others to see me as equal. Wanting to fit in with the world, a social group, peers, to discuss in the locker room with detail now, for this is what we do right? How we make sense of our actions, by measuring against those around us?
It was dark, too dark, for neither of us wanted to see what was going on. I prayed for it to end, just to be done, for if I could have gotten a reprieve from this act and still claimed to have done it, I would have. The sex was not wanted, but to claim I had sex, for I couldn't go to college a virgin. A dark room, an adolescent kid, practice putting on a condom in record time, for I had to seem cool. No movie taught me how to be strategic, for that part always seemed to be left out. Purchasing them was enough, for I pretended they were a joke, a goof, as the Wal-Mart cashier checked me out, praying she doesn't know my mom or go to my church.
I was in a long, drawn-out sin, with no end, not until one of these suckers was used, for real this time.
I thought this was noble, what I was supposed to do? I thought that sure, the Bible mentions celibacy, but that was Old Testament, right? Like, God, how could I possibly make it through high school, not to mention the media depictions of college, and then marry? I wasn't even sure I was going to follow-through with that sort of thing, it just seemed like a bunch of ties, when I wanted to do stuff.
With my head bowed low, a pathetic feeling grabbed a hold of me. Not fully able to understand it then, but I just signed my ticket to a life without conviction, a wishy washy way to "fit in" all the while giving up the gifts God gave me. He gave me a unique mind, a beautiful spirit, and I was born with a purity, and I gave all of it away for the world to offer their stale candy and empty promises of happiness.
As I looked in the mirror that night after my amateurish accomplishment, a goal met, I felt nauseous. I played it in my mind as nerves, but it was deeper. I lost something I couldn't get back, and as any parent will tell their kids now, virginity does mean something, do not just give it up to anyone. The idea of sex until marriage is a beautiful thing that allows such a conviction of it's sufferer, and allows for a beautiful gift to give your partner, not to mention naturally dissipates difficulties in relationships due to sexual tension, expectations for sex, prevention of disease, prevention of unwanted pregnancy, prevention of a social deterioration and could eliminate many a youth suicide attempts I believe.
As the next couple weeks passed with an impending fear of pregnancy, for again, movies, music videos and the like, swirled around my head like a protein shake from the gym, I at least could say, it has been done.
I messed up, so you really can't take my advice, but in retrospect (which is where all the good stuff seems to come from) I would have held on to it, stood for my convictions, and became the man I was supposed to be earlier on.
Words in the Bible do mean something and as the world continues, lost, broken, lied to, pissed off even, we have to ask ourselves, "This is where we look for our admiration?" Why not look higher, for we have always been loved, and for that, we can love ourselves.
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4God Bless.
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