Use it.

I'm supposed to write something here. Something that is to help either me or others. This, not an expectation for myself, however, an obligation, for otherwise why exist? Why would a person exist, of only to experience life for himself, gain, for himself, hold all knowledge, for himself? What is that good for? 

The thoughts consume me after I disappointed myself. After an evening where I was interacting with my daughter, trying to brush teeth at bed time, only to have her subtle defiance get to me for the last time. As she sat just at the right angle, refusing to lift her mouth up and open for me to brush, and my 3rd or 4th prompt was getting shorter, she became frustrated, she threw a book to the side, it hit me in the face, and I became angry. I slid the book with force across the floor, yelled close to her face, stood up, picked her up, and put her on her bed and told her, "You made me angry!" "No, you wanted to be defiant and now I am angry!" This as my body was bent, finger pointed at her, aware at this point that I may not have wanted this response, this may have not been the most beneficial. I say goodnight and I see her cringed face, I see her crying as though she both recognized she went too far, and that I gave a harsh response that hurt her feelings. 

Her mom and I leave the room, for my wife had gotten hit in the face with a book prior to my incident and was already hurt that she never received an apology.

I sit downstairs for a minute, allow the emotions to wash over me, knowing I am not living up to my own standards. 

There is parenting, then there are emotional responses. My parenting crossed over into emotion the minute she was unwilling to allow me to brush her teeth for the nth consecutive night in a row. She knows we need to do this, and she is exerting every ounce of control she has by being slightly defiant in allowing her mom and dad to do this. It is fascinating to watch because she wants her teeth brushed, she wants to please, but at the same time, appears to not be able to help herself. Just like when her feelings get hurt because she hurt someone else, she has the darndest time apologizing. 

My minute or two in the kitchen has me hear her cries, has the emotions all sit there, has me know that I reacted uncooly. 

(sigh) 

I go up stairs, ask my wife sitting on our bed if she wants to go back in. 

As we enter the room, she is standing on her bed, crying, for her mom and dad left abruptly without another story, without prayers, without goodnight kisses. This reinforcing of boundaries necessary and by the method her mom and I chose, however there is still a lesson here, for our daughter has to apologize, to both of us. 

"Sorry mommy."

"Thank you sweetheart, I love you."

As she makes her way over to me, willing to right the wrong, she almost falls into my lap. 

"Hey sweetheart, when you don't listen it makes mom and dad upset." Even as I say the words I can hear the therapy sessions in my head reminding me, nobody makes you do anything, however you allow them to. 

I stick with my wording. 

"Sweetheart, I love you and I am really sorry I yelled, I shouldn't yell." 

"Yea, you hurt my ears." Her little objective reply. 

She is sitting in my lap now, we are close, I feel horrible. I know better, and the thing is, I am not even that upset. There is no deep rooted thing that is waiting beneath the surface, there is no family session that can fix the incident for future's sake. There isn't any of that, there was just a response from a father in the face of a rebellion, that I like to see in her anyway. 

As we sit together, reading one last book, Peppa Pig and "The Tooth Fairy," her sitting on my lap, produces a warmth that she says three-quarters of the way through, "Dad you're all sweaty." 

"Yes I am, sweetheart." 

The prayers, the kisses, the one last apology, but none of it can, "make up for." anything. Only time and consistency in mood and reaction can do that. 

It is not a good feeling, for I couldn't sleep, so I wrote. I don't know, maybe parents or soon-to-be parents can use it. For if I heard the story from a parent I would tell them that it was a reaction and you apologized and validated the child that people shouldn't yell to get their point across and that in the future we should perform a different teeth brushing routine, because it doesn't appear that one is working. 

However, in my own head, up here with the tornado of guilt, shame, and fear, the three big ones that can corrupt any situation and amplify the pain, it is not that easy. 

Parenting is really difficult and my wife and I (2 people) have one daughter (3 people) laughs at own joke. Awareness of behavior and taking the time to efficiently show examples of how to apologize after a mistake, how to indicate through our own pride that a mistake was made on our part, and be willing to sit in our own mistake, not trying to fix or remedy, are lessons that are priceless. I don't know, maybe the prayer of giving my daughter what she needs was answered here tonight. Maybe she needed this lesson? Maybe I did? 

God Bless.