Let Em' Burn!

On my way home the other day, after a day of interaction, paperwork, daily occurrences that tend to wear a person down, my mind wanting to disconnect from reality, decides to latch on to something extreme. As I was driving past an old, now-abandoned storefront, I noticed something peculiar. I saw a row of 6-7 police SUVs all lined up, some with hoods ajar, others just parked. At first I thought, Huh, wonder why those are there, is that a new police station? After a few more microseconds, my mind, free to do as it wants, went to, With all those SUVs there, isn't that a liability? From here, the fuse was lit, the reflection of sun in my eyes no longer the priority, and quickly I thought of lighting the SUVs on fire!

Ah yes, that would stir up some talk around here. For this was an immediate thought post-lighting. Like a mackalov cocktail thrown from across the street at 3AM, igniting one, and like dominos one explodes causing the others to follow. What a scene this would be. I think to myself. What chaos would ensue. As the thoughts advance from action to aftereffects. What would the police do? The media talk about? What would this mean? As my thoughts are still allowed to race, giving my heart palpitations, my palms to sweat a little more than the day's heat stimulates.

The THOUGHT of doing something isn't worth near as much as people want to give credit to. As though because a person is capable of a hundred trillion possible neural connections to think of something most-likely seen in a movie, or talked about with friends, does not put it any closer to reality than denying the thought exists. In this case, my thought of burning a row of police vehicles, is an amusing thought, mostly because of the chaos that would ensue over the media, the reaction by the people, making the act larger, more pronounced. That act itself would be exciting, however, most-likely fear of consequences would have me running, only to see the results on the evening news. As media interviews are talking to a passer-by, "Yea, I was walking and boom, it was like a fire ball, and then another, and then another." As though this adds any depth to the story.

My thought quickly goes to the response of others. Who am I but an average citizen, driving home from work, trying to do the best he can, when this mind wanders into chaos. Chaos that is primarily defined by the after-effects rather than just to watch them burn. Like an itch that gets scratched, this isn't about the itch. I would not be burning the vehicles for any other reason than the response of people. I would not be doing this act for the sake of getting away from the cops, or harming anyone personally, but instead, because I would be intrigued as to the response of the media and people's opinions as a result, to see what kind of waves it produces.

Gosh, who else, in the history of man, has made waves....who? 

When we do something, the motive is everything. To know what that motive is, has its benefits. To see a vehicle burning in your mind and stop the thought there as though it is bad and I shouldn't think that way, stops the process of understanding self. Understanding self is what we might have learned growing up as unworthy of our time, when in reality, it is everything. Why do we do things? Why do we think things really? Why would I think of such a heinous act? Am I bad? No. I am curious. Much like anyone else, it was a pleasure to allow the mind to wander in that moment, breaking me from the clutches of reality. Thoughts are like our own library of movies or TV series, where we are the stars of our own show, however, better, for we know the main character's motive.

I would not burn a line of cop cars, but the thought provoked something more. The thought of doing something so out-of-the-blue meant more than just the act, it painted a motive, one that is fueled by what I do see in my reality, and that is speculation and reactions from people, stirring them from the comfort and reminding them that the world is harsh, people do things they might not agree with, and yet, there is always a motive. What is that motive? This idea verses stopping at a label, "good" or "bad."

Castle-Broken: When appearances are everything, available Here. For a deeper look into my own head, into my own memoir, into male body image disorders, a mental health disorder with high suicide rates.

God Bless.