Deplorable.

Mental health treatment typically focuses on behaviors. Therapy centers around what “behaviors” interfere with a person’s contentment. However, as humans tend to do, our behaviors change from week to week, therefore, what is worked on or processed in one session changes to the next. One week, there is a crisis, something that we cannot possibly make it through, and the next, we are relatively OK. "OK," for the moment that is.

A therapist’s office, should be comfortable, neat enough, for too neat can be intimidating, and comfortable. There should be a desk somewhere, a cozy place to sit, maybe even something to look at. A picture can take the focus from an intense conversation, or as in my own sessions I stare at trees which are so beautiful this time of year. I am comfortable here, it is not home, because home can be stressful. The office is of a comfortable temperature and the smell either of nothing, or something lightly pleasant.

Despite the conditions of an office being a therapist’s priority, sessions could actually be done in a smelly basement, if the relationship is intact. The relationship as all research is leaning towards, is more important than the office, the education, the low co-pays. The relationships is the thing that keeps us coming back, the reason we leave the comfort of, “home” to go and pay to talk to another and has very little to do with their achievements and has more weight in how you and this person get along.

Behaviors as a target of a therapy session generally have to be taken into context. To simply say that this person did this, with no story, isn’t of any value. However, context allows the picture to be painted, for the therapist to understand what happened, what you did based on what you thought, and go from there. Again, a client isn’t going to get much out of any of this, if present at all, if the relationship isn’t there. If there is no connection, then the most comfortable of offices may as well be an outhouse. If the story lacks insight due to the client not believing the counselor cares then nothing is apparent to work on, and the client is left to deal on their own, again.

As weeks go by, a  relationship is important to grow, not simply progress in a person dealing with life. Progress based on the report of the client, which, again, has little to do with behavior, and more to do with what a therapist models. Words have limits, education is reminding us of what we did wrong, but modeling, now that slips in the brain. The mirror neurons are firing away as a therapist tells a funny story from their own week with their natural words the occurrences they were in representing who they are, thus removing their own barriers and increasing a certain level of intimacy.

This is why therapy is difficult. I cannot depict the words necessary of what to do and what not to do, but if the relationship is the key to therapy, then one must be very aware of themselves as to not take this relationship for granted, or take advantage of it. Like a boss calling an employee into the office to talk about the weekend and state some things disagreed upon by the subordinate, a counselor too has to be aware that some people only know relationships on an unhealthy level. Once a therapist open up, just like a client, then that is it, the client can do with it whatever they may like. The authentic counselor’s presentation then has to have them, at their core, working on themselves, otherwise the stories come off as selfish and can actually do harm.

For example, if a counselor is going through a divorce and is angry, then one slight story from counselor to client about an instance over the week reinforces that angry and bitter responses as acceptable, for after all, the counselor said so. If a counselor has weight issues and struggles with balance and tells a client to live balanced, the client might see through the counselor’s own follow-through. After all, how can you tell me something, if you are unwilling to live it, unwilling to address your own issues. Counselors or therapists don’t have to be perfect or the “jack of all trades,” but they do have to be willing and vulnerable themselves, much like they would expect from a client. To take up a client’s time going down a superficial route through lack of practiced insight, or a route that you would have taken in your own life, subconsciously, is destructive.

Relationships are the key to success in any realm of life. Whether a person is recovering from addiction, struggling with depression, in a poor marriage, being abused, the connection with other people is what gives a person hope, changes the environment for the better or worse. A relationship with a therapist, if a good and healthy one, can give you a different life, not because the counselor did anything, but because you were more willing, more vulnerable, you trusted. However, on the back end, a therapist who is unwilling, unavailable, and thinks that we can present book work or some program superficially, harm is being done here. The coveted relationship is being taken for granted and the opportunity to truly help is being missed. Nobody wins from a counselor who just presents and isn’t in tune with their own problematic aspects of self. I think that oftentimes people misjudge counseling because of these other people that quite honestly shouldn’t be in the field.

Just like a misquoted Bible verse where the idea of “good intentions,” or “close enough” is accepted, it therefore provides more potential to deviate than a bold, wrong answer does. Therapists have a lot of influence and with that comes the weight of being self-aware, which means being able to be safe in our own lives enough to provide that to other people.

A book written about some of my own vulnerabilities and work I did regarding body image issues, is Castle-Broken, and it is available, HERE. 

God Bless.