White Noise.

Possibly worth more dead, than alive. Selfishly we wouldn’t want to think that, but it could be true. Our value after all, is assessed by the waves we create which in our life. You might just be a producing a mundane trickle, in death could trigger a tide. Change is only done by those who take the chance, doing something authentic. Like a wave pulls water from other areas by it's natural force, people get drawn in, consumed.  

I was struggling this morning in getting to the gym, for the gym takes energy, energy I could not find within myself. Nothing, “wrong” or, some large dramatic stance against going, I simply did not have the energy to do so. My physical self could move and lift and I would assume that familiarity would have brought me to my feet if I would have felt it would have been needed, but it wasn’t. Instead, I laid on the couch and just thought. As my eyes closed and I entered the grey area between awake and sleep, An image came to mind. I imagined two versions of myself, one that does what he is "supposed to do," and the other that does what he actually feels like doing. Yes, believe it or not, they are not the same person. Unfortunately, much of what I do or say becomes scripted, a familiar response when I damn that parts that, "go along."

"Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change."

- Confucius

I want to change things in the world. Not like previously in life, for status or wealth or accomplishment of any kind, but to contribute to good. A message from the youth telling me that freedom means to do something "crazy," a message from a preacher on the radio against legalism and the, “laws” made up by certain religions distorting truth, or from a music video I came across from Mike Shinoda, the previous co-front man with Chester (R.I.P.) from Linkin Park, one of my favorite bands. They all are very different sources with the same message, create what you want to see in the world. Change starts with truth, being honest in self of what you want, discounting the opinions of others, the feelings of guilt and shame that we THINK others might judge. Getting back to what our foundation knows and allowing the world to see it. 

Unfortunately, the pull of selfishness exists, and goes directly against the common-sense needs of the community. For any of us to truly benefit, our environment needs to as well. A Utopian society we are not, but as individuals we can sure act like it. I can act like things are OK, because quite honestly, they are, until they aren’t. However, staying in fear due to a possibility holds us back from extending the olive branch to help another. Things are "OK," even if I demand change. Even if there are things I don’t agree with, it is all going to be alright. 

For me, promoting change looks like my childhood self, vulnerable and honest. Letting out what I previously feared others would see in me, only because I wanted to live to my perception of their standards. It looks like less reliance on looks and routine, and more on being, in the moment, being present, accepting what has been given to me. 

Emotions are what makes us human and experiencing them is the reason we want to stay alive, right? After all, if I want to avoid feeling and therefore avoid any conflict or any change, then am I just surviving?

I don’t need a near-death experience to get this, for I have had a daughter. One might argue they are one in the same, however both shake the very foundation of life and demand a look at the environment this child is in. For me, that is how I am dong, what am I doing, and if I preach honesty and loyalty and promote standing up for oneself, then I have to live it myself. Like an person who questions God being closer to Him than the legalistic church-goer who looks down on others, we need to be authentic, vulnerable, willing, and with that we will find our true selves and find that our environments change too.

Now, go make some waves. 

If you have body image disorders, then help in getting over them, or at least learning what they are, sold HERE, in my new Book, Castle-Broken. 

God Bless.