Getting High on my Own Supply.
There I was, giving a presentation to a group of hyper-masculine males, more macho than I. By "hyper-masculine" I actually mean, fragile, but fronting. Not yet strong enough or knowledgeable enough to get in touch with their emotions nor safe enough to express them. Putting up walls is what keeps men safe, alive, protected, for if we all just, "let it all hang out," what would be left to hide from? After all, if all people knew all things about me, then they might.... wait.
There isn't a thing you could tell me that I don't already know about myself. I know my glimpse of thoughts, my obsession, my sickest fantasies. I know the thoughts that can slip into a mind listening to another talk and allowing the grazing on "better" pastures, disconnecting from conversation. I know that when it comes to poor behaviors often demonized by society are ones that I find myself regularly thinking. When a person in authority gets "caught" for something, I think, "Why didn't they just do this?" As though my deviant mind should even go there.
I am a criminal by my thought process, yet, I am not in jail. After all, when you are around people, you can pick up what is favored and what isn't. Much like the men I was talking to, I was just trying to survive at my "worst." I took what I knew other people liked and made it my presentation, deceiving people at the basis of what I did, said, acted, dressed. I was an actor, too scared to be real. The people who committed a singular action of "crime" were in many ways more authentic than I was, for at least they went for it, when I sat back and feared judgement from people.
When making a change, one must first see change as necessary. If it isn't, then why? Why would I change anything about my thoughts, actions, beliefs, unless it was completely to my benefit, in some way. Even if that benefit is to please the Lord, then I am chasing a goal of getting closer to Him. If I am nice to a person I don't particularly favor, I am changing because by being nice to them I get to see a nice part of them, or at least an authentic part, a part I find more value in honestly.
I no longer want to be "nice" however, but real. I've said that before, and guess what? I have made changes within my thought process to followthrough on this. I think of the need to change like in Fight Club where Tyler Durden pulls a gun on a convenient store employee as he demands this employee chase his goal and he will be back in a year to check. I need that kind of swiftness in changing myself. I need to see that change is not a passive act, but an action that has to happen just like eating food and drinking water. To do this, I have developed the following steps to be successful in being more authentic:
OK, that's it, that kind of solved the change in perspective I had to make to naturally react better to situations that before I judged and despised.
Yes, I see the good, for we all have it, ALL HAVE IT. If you disagree then, you are the problem, not them. For even the, "sickest" of people as I have proven through my own life, can have good in them.
I was the worst offender out there at my peak of need. I was a malleable person whom you couldn't quite figure out. I was hyper-aware of myself and I thought and over-thought so much about what you would think of me that I was never actually me. This was due to a competitive view of the world. A view that promoted everyone against one another and if I fail, I will slip into oblivion, which at the time I was too fragile to do so.
I want to give a sweet conclusion here, but that's not how this works. People don't change and that be it, instead what we do is continue to work at it. "Relapse" as it is typically seen is a "bad thing," but really it is a reminder by the brain of old behaviors. I can see them, choose to indulge or move on and there it is. I have personally found investment in the, "moving on."
Knowing we are all made from that which is ALL GOOD makes it easy to be real. People might be hurting more than you ever know and what they do makes logical sense to them, in some way.
Castle-Broken, a book on body image disorders, available HERE, because if you are struggling in how you look, then read more of my story and treatment options, don't be drug down by a perception only you see.
Find the good in yourself too, God Bless!
There isn't a thing you could tell me that I don't already know about myself. I know my glimpse of thoughts, my obsession, my sickest fantasies. I know the thoughts that can slip into a mind listening to another talk and allowing the grazing on "better" pastures, disconnecting from conversation. I know that when it comes to poor behaviors often demonized by society are ones that I find myself regularly thinking. When a person in authority gets "caught" for something, I think, "Why didn't they just do this?" As though my deviant mind should even go there.
I am a criminal by my thought process, yet, I am not in jail. After all, when you are around people, you can pick up what is favored and what isn't. Much like the men I was talking to, I was just trying to survive at my "worst." I took what I knew other people liked and made it my presentation, deceiving people at the basis of what I did, said, acted, dressed. I was an actor, too scared to be real. The people who committed a singular action of "crime" were in many ways more authentic than I was, for at least they went for it, when I sat back and feared judgement from people.
When making a change, one must first see change as necessary. If it isn't, then why? Why would I change anything about my thoughts, actions, beliefs, unless it was completely to my benefit, in some way. Even if that benefit is to please the Lord, then I am chasing a goal of getting closer to Him. If I am nice to a person I don't particularly favor, I am changing because by being nice to them I get to see a nice part of them, or at least an authentic part, a part I find more value in honestly.
I no longer want to be "nice" however, but real. I've said that before, and guess what? I have made changes within my thought process to followthrough on this. I think of the need to change like in Fight Club where Tyler Durden pulls a gun on a convenient store employee as he demands this employee chase his goal and he will be back in a year to check. I need that kind of swiftness in changing myself. I need to see that change is not a passive act, but an action that has to happen just like eating food and drinking water. To do this, I have developed the following steps to be successful in being more authentic:
1. See the good in people.
OK, that's it, that kind of solved the change in perspective I had to make to naturally react better to situations that before I judged and despised.
Yes, I see the good, for we all have it, ALL HAVE IT. If you disagree then, you are the problem, not them. For even the, "sickest" of people as I have proven through my own life, can have good in them.
I was the worst offender out there at my peak of need. I was a malleable person whom you couldn't quite figure out. I was hyper-aware of myself and I thought and over-thought so much about what you would think of me that I was never actually me. This was due to a competitive view of the world. A view that promoted everyone against one another and if I fail, I will slip into oblivion, which at the time I was too fragile to do so.
Knowing we are all made from that which is ALL GOOD makes it easy to be real. People might be hurting more than you ever know and what they do makes logical sense to them, in some way.
Castle-Broken, a book on body image disorders, available HERE, because if you are struggling in how you look, then read more of my story and treatment options, don't be drug down by a perception only you see.
Find the good in yourself too, God Bless!
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