The Unsubtle Subtleties.

The coolest guy I ever knew was a senior in high school when I was.a freshman. He was the quarterback for the football team, good looking, also had one of the hottest girls in high school as his girlfriend, at the time seemed larger than life, and he was a pretty nice guy as well. Deservingly so, I was, "bullied" in my first year in high school, to the defense of the perpetrators, I had a mouth and was of a larger build, so I may have deserved it. This guy did not give me any of this sort of attention, he had other things to do, he was just smooth and anytime I talked with him, seemed respectful, but yet, still cool.

This guy went on to play football at a small, liberal arts college and I had ran into him throughout life since, he has seemed to maintain that, "coolness," I so looked up to as an inadequate youth, now as an inadequate adult.

What is it about a, "cool" person that makes them so? Like, even as I was describing him, reflecting back on actual behaviors to write about, I could not really think of concrete ways to portray this man as I saw him. Maybe because he just had what I lacked and I could not fully fathom, at the time, these behaviors? Maybe because he was, "cool" and nice, a combination that just didn't seem to match up in high school? Maybe it was all through my own filter, after all, you don't know what you don't know.

I think that our lives can be like this. After all, we still don't know what we don't know, so therefore how could we be expected to talk about it. A person can witness and judge the actions of another, yet, this judgment is based on the perspective of the person watching, and the person doing might not be the wiser.

Smoking isn't, "cool," kids. 

What typically gets our attention to look at our own behaviors is a consequence of some sort. Some unfavorable action or thing that occurs causing us to try and do things differently the next time. For instance, I was mean to my brothers growing up, we all brushed it off as a joke, but I was mean. In retrospect, maybe some of the inadequacies and belittling behaviors in school then came out against brothers I resented at the time. However, in the moment, I was unaware, and justified my actions. It wasn't until almost recently where I really looked back at what I had done, from everything about my actions, to the subtle ways I called them names I, again, justified.

Now, I did not feel good as I really reflect on childhood from the shoes of my brothers. I would have felt helpless if I would have allowed myself to think about it. I would have felt like this older brother, my sibling, he does not like me, and so, what is it about me he doesn't like? In reality, it was myself who didn't like myself, so therefore I took it out on brothers, weaker, smaller, siblings. I was acting like a jerk, for in recovery from these behaviors I have also learned that I was not a jerk, just acting like one, with, "jerk" moves.

Being the oldest, you can see my resentment resonate in this photo. 

Why would anyone do something inefficient if it wasn't for some sort of reward? Why would anyone change, make the painful realization that them, their perspective, the way they have, "always done something," is inefficient? Only if there was a need to do so. Whether it was the, "cool" guy in high school, or the "bullying behaviors" of an adolescent, the subtleties are key in what we do, and often times are the reason people like us, feel comfortable around and opening up to us, or, avoid, belittle, and justify it. No matter what, all the behaviors start in the mind with a thought, this thought, small in physical size, if measurable at all, resonates throughout people in waves, affecting them in some way.

By paying attention to the "why" or "what" we are doing in life, we may find certain characteristics, beliefs, mannerisms, inefficient and therefore a change is warranted to improve the quality of life for you and ultimately with others.

I wrote a book, Castle-Broken regarding some of my earlier accounts of disordered eating, later my obsession with bodybuilding, and ultimately how I became in recovery through the mess. It is available HERE for those who also struggle with the same battle.

God Bless.