Surprise.

Looking from the outside, a father whose perspective is altered, for no longer is the world simply, “the world,” but, "a problem." In childhood, the development is selfish, egocentric, for the idea of altruism is not yet firm. The concept is within us all, after all, we are human, connected at our most basic principles, however the environment promotes that which we will not see in ourselves until old enough to resent it. I was raised to be productive, now I cannot stop. I was raised to love my brothers, when is all I learned was how to present and resent them. I was raised to believe in Christ, yet that man I thought I knew then, not even a tip of the iceberg. 

Patience, understanding, empathy, all virtues that have an expiration date inside an agenda. 

I now know Him better, long to be close to Him, be like Him, work for Him, for the worship and education about Him is fundamental, nothing new there. What shines through me the most is from what I learned in childhood, unique characteristics inside of me that I never knew were gifts. All this time I thought the life jacket was a lead vest. I thought that what now keeps me a float on the worst days was the thing that was going to kill me one day. The thing I despised, the curse from my parents, is the best gift I could have ever gotten. 

Now, do not mistake the gratitude as everyday being delusional joy, for somedays even a life jacket starts to suffocate, the floatation device starts to come up past my shoulders squeezing the jugular just enough to remind me of its deathly potential. I am still odd, still struggling from the outside after all, still watching the world with apprehension for I cannot predict, control, or even, understand it at times. I can only place the power to the only one I know who can. 

Without you B, how would
I make such wonderful memes. 

This is different now, for I am responsible for this little life God has bless my wife and I with. I am responsible for safety, protection, and providing the right knowledge for harvesting her talents and gifts. There are no blueprints for this, at least not one I have seen. Unless God hid this way inside of her I have yet to find it. I go to the source for advice, this world calls it passive, I call it obvious. Why would I call a general technician for assistance when the developer of the product is waiting on the line? She is the third greatest gift he has given me, for the first was the life of his Son, followed by my own. Without her presence, her existing in mind day and night, without knowing she will be there after work, I lose track of purpose. I see no reason to strive. I know there is a reason to do so, but the thought of losing that connection with her, much to bear, too much at times, whatever, “too much” means. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that what was once a part of me, is now extended and is growing rather fast. No longer are the innocent cries for whatever reason, for now we have specific language, needs, wants, desires. No longer are the nights awake for feedings, but she sleeps and eats breakfast in the morning. No longer does the dependency occur to obtain much of her food, for if she has to, or is feeling a bit aggressive, she will do it herself. She is not mine, but my gift, my responsibility, and therefore that world, that once cold, competitive place, now has to be more understood, for I cannot detriment her by my own bias. She is to live in the world, participate, but not become. Live in the world like an apartment, not a permanent residence. She has to be both strong enough to maintain herself, as well as, willing enough to learn a thing or two. Man, this world as an ally becomes a lot harder than when it was just this evil place I could remove myself from. 

This is the challenge of a parent, an unexpected surprise. 

God Bless, 

Luke

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