Free.

I am cancer free, well, at least the lump in my leg isn’t cancerous, or should I say, it wasn't felt to be cancerous. The best part of this all, was that for a few minutes today as I drove to the doctor’s office to pull down my pants for two nurse practitioners, yes, all before 9AM, I had a glimpse of what life could be like if I were to be stricken with a disease that kills its hosts. 

Not to be dramatic, but that’s what I do, that’s what anxiety does, for worst case scenarios are the only way my mind knows what to do with information. It happens without effort, like slipping down a slide, for I typically recognize the thought, and move on. This time however, I decided to stay. I stayed on the thought process of what life would look like if I were to truly have cancer and the treatment options and the lifestyle that would then be my lifestyle.

My first thought, was, my daughter. For I love her so, however, as much as I love her, and as much as I think I can contribute to her life and provide an environment of growth, I also know that there are plans larger and better than mine, if it meant that she would grow without me. A sad thought for the physical human, however, spiritually speaking, I know that I am not her real father anyways, and that God has his plan and will provide her with shat she needs. The idea was like a volcano bubbling up inside of me, full of a deep sadness ready to pour over, consuming me, depress my entire being, simply to indulge a thought for a short amount of time, a few seconds even. To think that I could miss her growing up, going to school, finding things in life she loves, things she hates, throw another temper tantrum even. 

My second thought was my dear wife. She is really the backbone to our family and where I would be without her, is scarier to think than if I had been diagnosed. I tremble at the thought of the road I was on, and where a poor choice could have led. Again, God disciplines those he loves and for that I needed a lot of. My wife is tough, a powerful woman whom would be sad, but ultimately I KNOW, she would be fine, because that is what we are, that is what our relationship is, we know we do not complete each other, she  and I both have to empower one another, not to depend, but to contribute, something we both actively work at, each and every day. 

The rest of my thoughts went to how can this be beneficial to others. To have cancer and continue to preach a message so easily spoken when well, now that means something. The actual fear of dying isn’t relevant for death, if anything, brings relief, my time expired, the race is finished. My only hope at this point would be to have left the world better than when I came in, which I cannot always guarantee happens. Again, I die, you die, we all die, for that is no surprise, however it is what we do with the time while here, because when I am done, I have less worries than you do. In fact, for the first time since conception, I will have no worries, for I will be taken care of. It’s just a comfort a peace I have found with life anyways. 

Now, the message isn’t intended to be spiritual, but to convey a deeper understanding of life. Like, as it expires is what you/we are doing today really where we would invest our time or think about if we were to be stricken, diagnosed, with cancer OR some other life-threatening disease? Like we all might assume we will get old, die, and loved ones will morn, but what if we are so harshly taken in a crash, or more drawn out like a disease, an insufferable disease where you might spend months in a hospital bed? Like, if this is our plan, then that is what will happen, with, or without our consent, for if consent were the case, there would be no takers. 

The time here, in this body, in this life is actually precious, a friendly reminder I received, so what are you doing with it, and is that actually what you want to be remembered for, is that the message you want to convey. We have to live it to preach is and that means difficulty, for a message of worldly desires is nothing more than white noise, but a message of love, truth, compassion, empathy, now that is one repeating over and over. 

One thing I had decided to spend much of my time on, and was blessed to build, was a self-help/memoir regarding my life, earlier eating disorders turned into a body image disorder known as Bigorexia. Click Here for the book. 

God Bless.