Unfair.

Why must it be like this? Why can I not just have my cake and eat it too? Why must there be this tether to the middle preventing me from going too far in one direction, no matter the motive, yanking me back with a painful reminder of my imbalance? I only want to eat a little more, or workout a little less, things that my logical mind knows it has to do, but the other part of me, my emotional side, says “no.” This battle, like two divorced parents fighting for custody simply to spite the other, weighs in my mind like a stone unmovable. No, I will not wake up one day, skip the gym and lack anxiety about getting fat later, and no I will not go to the gym excessively and not be fatigued or consumed by old behaviors, no matter how much I romanticize a return to the 2-hour gym sessions twice a day. Neither of these will occur, nor will I ever rid my mind of this part of me, as apparent as my own personality. In fact, it is my personality, my temperament even, for man does not compartmentalize as much as we'd like to believe.

No, this isn’t fair. I want to change, go excessive, reengage the needle for the cause, abuse calories for their size-producing qualities, only to deny the need for health or balance. I want to go back to what I reminisce as the, “good ol’ days,” something that at the moment was anything but “good,” or most the time can I even recall the “days.” In reality, I was too lethargic, too exhausted, too concerned with eating and “doing it right,” that there was hardly a life. I was all that the mirror reflected back, or better yet, what I wanted it to reflect to other people. This way they could see my value, see that I knew what I was doing, I was in control. I was a man of mans and you better come to me for advice and not, “him.” 

It isn’t fair. I want to be able to carry 300 pounds, lift a house, wear tight, XL t-shirts and squat enough for people to stop and observe. I want people to assume I am on drugs just so I know that I look significant enough to be put in that category. Despite me not seeing it, I know others do, or at least they act like they do…

Oh my gosh, what if they were lying to me? What if I was not really that big and I was seeing something from others that wasn't there? I was merely average despite the numerous consequences but yet I thought that maybe their looks, their apparent admiration, their comments, were genuine. 

They lied. I knew it.

…

Why is life this unfair? Why is it a battle, with success resulting in a long death, a delayed conclusion while the play at hand is miserable? At some points, suffering seems to be normal, and worn as a badge of honor. 

More importantly, why did I make it through this? How? I have the book, the stories, the pieces of me, vulnerable, exposed; all the internal thought processes and external consequences from childhood through my worst, and yet, here I sit; healthy, blessed, wealthy by all standards. I have it all, and now the unfairness is on my side, for I do not deserve any of this. I deserve to be broken like ones I was so devastating to influence before. A manipulative, conniving, little worm that appeared favorable. I wanted your admiration and did what was necessary to get it, feel it, greedily consume it for my own, giving nothing back. The expose of my weakness is here now, all the crude grammar and uncomfortable stories, sitting, waiting, a view from the top, for I made it through the trenches.  

I am not fixed, simply a work with progress. The hardest part to grasp is that even in this content state, those highs that were once felt, no matter how romanticized, they are no more. I will never freely face the pleasures and minimize the struggles associated with the BIG guy I once was. 

As years pass and I further my distance from the façade I put up, I know I don't deserve anything, yet I remain wealthy. All of this despite the imbalance that continues to exist within, a discomfort I have to make peace with, co-exist with. 

For the whole story and treatment recommendations for anyone with a body image disorder, click HERE. 

God Bless.