I Feel You.

Shame seeping into the brain, like a molasses being poured over a rotten apple, slowly the tainted fruit engulfed in a brown, sticky substance no longer seen, for now it is a mere blob of that which consumed it. The treachery of the feeling, enough to fuel poor decisions in life to try and escape, avoid, compensate even. The feeling was there upon waking up, like it existed before my conscious mind did, like it knew of the world and it was here to show me how hard it was going to make this place. 

Since the dawn of fallen man, shame has existed to remind us of our overall wicked ways. In Genesis 3:7, Adam and Eve cover themselves with fig leaves to indicate a shame from the Lord for going against what he asked. Shame is supposed to be a benefit in some way, for all emotions are. If we are living with inefficient emotions, then is this not like the digestive system deciding not to do its job, only to have the food sit, rot, producing life-threatening situations? Our bodies are the most efficient systems on the planet and yet here I sit with an emotion that I find no value in, distracting from the present, causing turmoil and mindlessness as I either wait for it to pass, or I compensate for its insidious effects on my value. Somehow, I am both familiar with this emotion, yet continuously surprised by its drudgery and the fact that it continues to linger in my life despite trying to do the, "right thing." I figured at the least, with a pure motive, sacrifice of self, that I would no longer have any guilt or shame to hide away, but this is not true, not how this goes, not the ending to THIS story anyway. 

What shame can feel like. 

As a day drags on and more experiences come about, more times where I am able to remind myself that shame and guilt are emotions I am hard-wired to have more commonly, knowing they will pass, and do not have to define my life, my day, this hour even. I can sit with a troubling emotion, notice it for what it is, realize the irrational decisions that IT may want, and instead of acting, or escaping, I can notice that this is my journey and there is a purpose. After all, I preach it, so I must live it, "Suffering is pain without a purpose." This phrase, the realization that pain exists for a reason, even something as painful as internalized shame, here before I was, has a purpose and I can appreciate it for that. I don't know what that is at the moment, however, that is also not my place, for I have to learn to cope with something that I do not know the conclusion to. For "knowing" seems to take away the fear, and the with it, the ability to cope with the worst part of the whole equation. If I knew the conclusion would it still allow me to cope, or would I just sit, stew, and wait the time out, versus learning to appreciate that which I do have, including shame, growing in appreciation overall. 

Time heals all wounds, something that we know inside of us, yet we want to remedy the feelings, voids, emptiness of stomachs even, right now. We want to be complete, fulfilled, satisfied, now, so we go about this in all sorts of ways. We might feel things are unfair, and ask if other people feel this way, to justify our unfairness in all of this.

We want control and an unexpected feeling with no identified root cause or purpose at the moment reminds us that we are not in control of all things, yet we are in control with what we choose to do with it. Changing perspective on a feeling allows a person to internalize and then react on something differently, just like superficially doing something to get out of your own head. Talking, listening, giving to someone else because, "This too shall pass." The more we all stay in our heads, determined to make a feeling define us, the more it will, and the more we will suffer its consequences in all other aspects of our life. 

Shame, inside of us, yet consuming us at the same time,
altering our perspective, our hope of the world around us. 

I struggle with shame, daily. What I have said here is a personal journey as well as one where people can at the least know they are not alone. Nobody is alone for we are humans, we have this common, underlying aspect in which we can all relate. Realize what you are feeling, do not try to escape or cover, simply realize it and determine if it is just or not. For instance, if you did hit your brother last night and you feel guilty today, then you are merely being reminded of a behavior that you yourself do not condone, or if you once again justified a food binge, only to "hate yourself" the next day or 5 minutes later. Of course you are disappointed with yourself, shame is merely there reminding you that, "this eating episode does not define you." So, the shame is there to get us back on our intended path, a blessing in disguise, for pain seems to grab our attention in the most direct and demanding ways. 

For a memoir of my own manifested shame, guilt, distorted body image disorders, and how I have been able to proceed through life, attempting to see the benefit in my own pain, Click HERE. 

When pride comes, then comes dishonor, But with the humble is wisdom - Proverbs 11:2