Eye Liner.

The eyes tell the truth our conscious unable to cover. The insides, the souls these bodies contain, the abstract concepts defined in undefinable terms. The eyes however, they offer a glimpse, simply described as beautiful, even with the most broken. We are all made of good which lingers inside us all, no matter how altered, how saturated in manipulation experience forced it into. The love inside, the goodness we originated from, lingers in the eyes for there is no makeup, no clothing options, no actions, that can override what we all know exists. 

Some of us define ourselves by actions, I am a writer, a former of words, a counselor by profession, yet, who I truly am is behind these eyes. What I do isn’t anything of significance and only displays what I want you to see, for my eyes will show you I am too scared to be honest. The actions are filtered, where the eyes are unable to be, even through presentation and admission of guilt, the eyes tell the real and only truth of the soul. I have immense amount of fear that what is inside of me, what others would notice if I would allow them to look close enough. Not always, but at my worst, when small instances set me off, triggering a response inside that I am too scared to acknowledge, too scared it defines who I am, too scared to admit that I am that thing. 

I am told that is shame talking and that I have a gift to share with the world. I have talents to see in others the truth, for I have lived a lie, and you can’t BS a BSer, right? The reason I know what a person is doing, thinking, able to relate and validate is because I too feel the same way. I have lived as a chameleon in situations, thus allowing me to know what to do, a power I can now use to relate and understand others. I am not pathetic for doing this, not anymore, but I am able to see that it is truly a gift. Much like life, balance is required, and this gift is no different. 

 

They eyes however, they will have you question me. They will show a sense of something other than what I am presenting. They will tell you that I struggle just like you, more than words could ever implicate. The eyes are my truth and though you and I have known each other for a while and though I have admitted truth, hard truths too, I still have yet to let you look here, right in my eyes. I have performed the exercises of staring into the eyes of another, a stress tolerance test, to see how comfortable one is with contact, intimacy, I almost started to cry. I was too nervous that my cover was blown and instead I shifted away, an appropriate awkward laugh, I was triggered, reminded of an inadequate self, whispered too that I wasn’t good enough, and my thoughts, feelings, opinions; deeper into my entire being, wasn’t worth it. 

The eyes will tell the story and only through understanding, learning, practicing accepting can change come about. Not just change in coping or external action, but change from within. No longer will shame define me, hold me back, but I can thrive with it being in my past, still an accepted part of me, but no longer at the forefront. I cannot control what you see, but I can allow you to see it. This exposing my shame through the practice of vulnerability, allowing all parts, naked and afraid to be shown. 

My eyes and my journey are just that however. Your journey and the inter-most detrimental thoughts driven by internal thought processes you are most unaware of are yours and your challenge to take note of, improve upon. Even in the midst of struggle the eyes can show the world determination, love, and understanding outside of self, something that at times we have trouble expressing, but the eyes, they have a truth to them that we cannot quantify. A reminder that truth lives on, love is inside us all, and how we are all able to relate, similar in at least one thing, the eyes.

My eyes, the peering inside, too fragile for a long time, my story here. Redemption is not an immediate process, however, takes time, including failures, slips, relapses, but continuing onward and upward.