Cold Wind Blows.

As the earth spins, the cold wind blows, from The North down, covering the plains with a sheet of bitter sting, simply known as, winter. The earth, she spins on a titled axes, for that is what we all know, some audaciously question, however the seasons change, the heat of summer becomes the cool of fall followed by the frigid state of late winter. These months, they linger, they titillate us with, “so close, but so far away,” as the springtime season smell is in the air, but dampened by a heavy cold. 

Walking my dog outside, a Husky, for she loves the winter, she embraces and sits in the cold, as the snow covers her majestic coat, and her piercing blue eyes gleam through the greyness of the winter morning, I notice a peace that I will not get again, not today. The rest of my day is not a walk in solace, nor is it a practice in mindfulness, it is rather, chaotic, involving me holding on, riding, rather than controlling, attempting not to judge, attempting to be a, “better” person. 

How people interpret, “better” is really up to them and their experiences. Some people have the bar set low, others are saints and won’t know until long after they are dead, looking from the heavens at their own ceremony, the human title meaningless to them, as they are working for their father in heaven. The low-bar people cannot be judged, for they too are trying, only able to do with what they know, and theirs is less, a poverty of knowledge, experience, a junior high skill-set in a professional league, just happy to show up. The "better" I want to achieve is non-judgmental, living for others, helping, desiring to comfort like I have felt, feeling less competitive and more compassion, a willingness to experience versus the restraint of control. 

A result of relentless and
life-interfering routine. 

I have cut myself short since being aware, settling on what I was able to do with less than what I got. I have recently learned that this is shame manifested, an undesirable admission, however as truthful as the sun in the morning, for even the evening can deny the day. Shame, before I was even made aware of it, has always been there and my environment promoted it. The exact reasons do not matter, for it is here, and I have made it my inhibitor, my least common denominator, my limiting reactant in my life’s experiences. I am too scared, and, “Shame’s assistant” is here to whisper sweet negatives in my ear. Telling me that I can’t do it, I will fail, and everyone, EVERYONE is going to make fun of me, think less of me, and worse yet, make fun of my family. 

"Don’t you dare touch my family," is my response, and a recluse self stops short of potential. I have never failed, because I never admit trying to failure. I quit, pull back, justify why I don’t believe in THAT cause anymore. In reality, I am too shame-driven to take that risk, to go all in, to live life as I was meant to. 

This is my, “better” and what I strive for, my prayer in the morning, my deep breaths of self that exclude the opinions of others the best I can. I want to show myself what God wants for me, even if it is, “failure” by the world’s standards, it would be His plan, and I would be so lucky to have lived it. I also want to show my wife and daughter the comfort of failure, the reminder that we can only try and at the end of the day we are always here for one another, comforting, loving, acknowledging the hurt that failure brings, but also remembering there is another plan for us, a purpose greater than what we thought. 

This last part I love and come back around too as my dog and I finish our walk through the cold, early-morning meditation for me, exercise for her, back into the warmth of a home, and the smell of brewed coffee and hot oatmeal lingers in the air. I can relax, I am safe, I can fail and still be loved, not just here, but for eternity. 

Remembering we are loved no matter what is exactly what shame questions. Do not allow that part of you, because it is a part of you, to define your life and your experience. Combat shame with vulnerability. I wrote about mine, and the book is here. As for you, write your own story, I

would be happy to read it.

God Bless.