As You Know It.

The call of a donut, the freedom of a bag of chips, the nostalgia of holiday cookies, the bulk of a bag of candy, all things that once were, are no more. 

It was in the first Matrix where I learned how ignorance is "bliss," and once you give it up, the consequences that ensue. For me, the problems that obtaining nutrition knowledge caused was the loss of innocent pleasure food once brought about resulting inn a sort of sadness. The reminders of boxes of cereals, bowls of ice cream, or bags of candy, all enhancing a good time. I loved the textures, the smells, the tastes, of food. Real food too, real ingredients as well. I like them all, though I tended to seek more stimulation thus averting from satiation, for they all do something different to the brain, preventing any lackadaisical boredom. 

The problem is that early in life, due to what I believe to be a combination of environmental components and genetic predisposition, I relied on food for something else, something unhealthy. I took foods like chips, cookies, donuts, cakes, and I turned them into my entertainment, my comfort, at times, my only thing worth living for. It was the sugary cereals that would get me going. As I became older and restricted, it was the weekend binges that drove the entire week. I was consumed by food, even when I wasn’t eating it. With age, also came about knowledge and my demand for it. I thought that I could be something in this world by gaining as much knowledge about food and its various physical effects as possible. I also learned about the mental health component of it too. I learned that food  can be a crutch and that relying on in to define the moment is unhealthy and as shallow as a candy shell on a certain, favorite M-stamped candy. 

Yes, with knowledge comes power, but with power comes abuse. When you have a tendency to go all-or-nothing, craving authenticity, then the over-stimulation and realizing that reliance on food is neither one of these things, reveals the great and powerful OZ behind the curtain. However, the mind still grabs onto the memories of Pop-Tarts or candy bars, plates of pastries, bowls of ice cream or sugary cereal, toast, waffles, granola bars, chips, candy, pizza due to what they USED to hold, a familiarity they can no longer be associated with. Now, they are merely stimulating, not fulfilling, distracting, not credible as a friend. My greediness for knowledge has me at a detriment now, for I can no longer expect a, "casual" relationship with food, for there is too much history, too much emotion, too much significance. Sure, I avoid stomach aches or excess weight gain, but it can also be difficult enjoying a sweet treat, "unacceptable," by healthy, knowledgeable standards. 

This is not some corrupted story of a damaged self, for that chapter has been written, read, and tossed aside along with other, more significant stories. This is to state the now obvious, what I noticed a long time ago, and what I can remind others; when you gain knowledge, it can alter expectations. The large pleasures, the innocence of a child, the tasty treats once enjoyed so blindly, are no more. You are grown, obtained knowledge, and despite what you might wish for, or romanticize, it is over, contentment is your new high. 

Live in this content state for there are no large ups, but there are no crashes either. Stay here, in this moment, despite the thoughts that will undoubtedly come crawling into your mind when you least expect it. For those thoughts, that creeping reminder of a self and the state-of-mind that once was, is no more. This being a good thing. 

More on my early patterns of abuse and how this contributed to body image issues and other fun life circumstances Click Here.