Suffering V. Changing.

It’s 11AM, the day after moving. The day after I broke routine, ate various protein bars, drank way too much caffeine, consumed no vegetables, no fish, and I fear, not enough water. After all, it was a long day from 3:30AM, for I like to write, until 10PM, most of which was spent very active. At the end, to celebrate the end of moving festivities, pizza! That’s right, carb-rich, greasy, fat-laden, thyroid stimulating, za. A favorite fast food in this household, for it is fast and it is technically food, a perfect cap to an imperfect day. A way to resign the mind into a binge of sorts and into a relaxation as I convince myself, “I deserve this.” The pizza, the energy drinks, the lack of this or that, or the too much of something led to a 16-hour fast to help the system get a break from the strain of poor choices.

This was hour 15. I was starving. I came around the corner of the kitchen, catching a glance of the oven timer. It was behind a few minutes, not a huge deal, however when waiting to eat, it is everything. A minute left hungry, is a minute left suffering. A minute suffering, well, that just isn’t right. Instead of eating per my usual, without any noticeable or obvious consequences, I decided that a little suffering was necessary. I have a history of restrictive eating, so this was nothing new. Now, the motive was different. This wasn’t that and I am not him, for those days are gone. This was a reminder to the body that health is the concern and when I recognized that I ran things a little too hard, then I also know when a break is warranted, in the name of health of course. 

This day, this hour, these times of hunger, though painful and at times all-consuming due to thoughts of food, any food, comparatively lack the tang of pain the idea of changing provokes. See, overeating is another, “go-to” of mine, one where I reside my self when things deserve some celebrating or when in emergency times, as in a nuclear war breaks out and missile is headed to me and my family only to find us at a bakery. What I need sometimes is a reminder that this hunger, this craving, is me and that though I may appear to suffer at times due to sacrifice, it is not as uncomfortable with the change of overeating or reverting away from my balanced self now. 

For instance, being hungry, just a little bit, to remind the body what true “hunger” is, can be healthy. A little craving of actual food sources, a reminder to the brain of a standard often over-looked in this time of abundance. This sacrifice of pleasures is more comfortable and familiar than consuming food and the misery felt by eating too much for the wrong motives and reestablishing behaviors that, “food will make it better.” The suffering for something I am familiar with is easier to accept than the unknown consequences that comes along with changing a behavior into a life that I am unfamiliar with. Though I am proficient into the consequences of overeating as well, I am not as familiar with the long-term implications of this choice, thus deeming it worse than the pain I know now. 

A long explanation to a simple choice; do what you know resulting in consequences you are familiar with, versus trying something new and dealing with the unknown. This is both an asset and a barrier to changing. On the positive, it is good to avoid changing healthy behaviors for they are beneficial to us and the fear of the unknown of alternatively doing something is to be avoided. On the detrimental side, to avoid changing healthier alternatives to avoid consequences unknown needs to be addressed to avoid further. More detrimental consequences which were at one time a familiar subtlety, now a familiar, major detriment. Such as, over eating once to a stomach ache, into overeating every day to 30 pounds of fat in the midsection and heart problems. 

Again, longer, more drawn out than needed, for you already know the detriments and consequences, acknowledge the unknown that you are fearful of and that prevents the healthy change from occurring. 

For me, I had a hard time finding an identity. I thought that being BIG was better than nothing. Something my environment promoted. What I learned was that it never “fixed” me to stay in that mindset and I had to figure out what I was distracting from. The full story is HERE.