Angst.

If I could verbally express the way angst felt, maybe I could rationalize it, reduce its sting. Maybe instead of feeling this way, this uncomfortable reminder of something amiss, I could just let it go. Would I lose a part of myself? Are the same parts of my brain that drive me into being creative, the same parts that want things to go a certain way? Do I have to have one to get the other? Do I continue to do things for a motive of purity if the situation provides me with dread?

Why do I dread? I could use an entire session in a counselor’s office. One reason is that humans exist and interaction is both biologically and socially necessary. Interaction means accountability and obligation, two things I obviously need, but despise the idea of. Acting "natural" doesn't come natural to me. Even when I mentally acknowledge these thoughts and feelings, it’s like scratching what I thought was an itch on my back, only to find out that it was my stomach the entire time. 

I chose to ignore these feelings for a long time, most of my life in fact. Now, I choose to accept them. Recognize that all of me is important. Discounting one thought or feeling, is discounting a part of me. Discounting aspects of self, start out innocently enough, such as my desire for attention and negating hurt feelings. Though, over time, it’s a liquid poison that seeps into the air I breathe and kills me and everyone around me slowly. Insidiously, there is a resolve that the unresolved emotion or event finds. This resolve can be the problem itself, like ignoring consequences hoping they go away, only to have them worse later. In the case of attention, denying the effects, never learning to be alone.

The road to Hell is paved with good intent. If my mind recognizes something, thus sending out the chemical signals I interpret as angst, then why can it not just tell me what is causing this? Why does my mind play this little hide-and-seek game where the only one who loses is me. Either I look for too long, look in the wrong place, or I never find it and end up in the dark all by myself. The angst is like this buzz that a doctor can easily prescribe something for, but the real stuff, the stuff that overrides, fails to eradicate knowledge.

There is only relief when the angst is dealt with. This, an easy solution if you know what is causing it. Then figuring out how to resolve it only makes logical sense. Resolution doesn't stop at accepting responsibility, sometimes it just takes time to process properly and then make sense of it. Some lesson will be learned, even if the conscious mind doesn’t recognize it. A subconscious feeling of safety, the opposite of trauma. 

I can guarantee this morning alone I have made at least 10 poor decisions of some sort. My mind knows too. It knows what I’ve done and yet, it isn’t making it aware to me, the conscious self. I want to be better but something inside fails to acknowledge how to go about it that way. 

Here I am, over thinking the root cause to angst and it could be as simple as not eating enough, working out too hard for too long, or not enough sleep. All things I am guilty of. These other chemical releases are to blame, not how my mind is organically. Isn’t this thing supposed to be my friend? I am told to be nice to it, relax it, stimulate it with words and interaction, even eat the "right" foods so it runs properly. Maybe this ally, this thought process, my temperament, are all the same things causing problems. But yet, I am able to see the problems, thus also giving me my own solutions; potentially a gift? 

Who knows.

My own mental health detrimental by an obsession with the physical self.  

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