Sup

In college, living in the dorms was a stimulus overload. Not only was there now access to people 24/7, the access to women, fine women, women of all types. In my high school graduating class of 50 plus, half to 2/3rds were dudes, minus the girls in relationships, really only left a handful to choose from. Not here however, there were plenty, and in the idea of college and newly sanctioned freedom, it seemed as though possibilities lingered around every corner. 

What I thought college would be like. 

What college was really like. 

In my mind, I had to be prepared for interaction at all times, look cool, calm, casual, despite the fact I was anything but those things. Luckily, I had regular attendance at the gym that summer, along with eating food excessively and strictly to enhance my size, enhanced my confidence. After all, the guys in the magazines were big and not all that, “good-looking” so I figured that was a route that would use my 6’5” 200LB + frame effectively. Not only was the gym, school, dorm interactions a stimulus overload, but it was physically taxing on my nerves to understand these minor interactions that would happen 1000 times per day. No longer could I just go to class and see the familiar faces I had already said hi too earlier, now there were new ones, pretty ones, ones that I had not seen like before all overloading my brain. 

I thought everyone thought like this, and I wondered how anything ever got done in college. After all, everyone was young, everyone was trendy, and I felt like everyone knew what to do and when to do it. I had no clue, I had no clue to the clue I never had in fact. I was less than clueless, for If one knows what they are clueless about then at least they know what to strive for. I was less than that, more lost than that. Because of my island of being in a sea full of opportunities, I had this uncontainable need to acknowledge almost every single person I saw, yes, SAW. I thought either a glance, or word, or phrase, or peace sign, or even just a look was warranted, and otherwise I was rude and discounting any possible social interaction, something I needed like water at this time, and to my excessively lonely self. 

Fearing that everyone else, “gets it” and that I was the only one left alone had me doing things that were not natural to me and therefore the reminder in my head to do these things was like exercising a muscle 1000 times per day, it was unhealthy, and took energy from other things, things like school work. I didn’t do that well in my freshman year in college and it wasn’t that I was lazy, if anything, I did too much, in my head at least, but it was because I was using all of my energies to adapt to the environment I viewed as a competition of social connections. This was before Facebook became official and Myspace hadn’t really turned into anything. This a time before EVERYBODY had a cell phone and the smartest phone-like thing was the Palm Pilots (a thing I wanted so dearly). There was minimal connection despite being surrounded by people. I was more alone in public, even leaving campus and going to the mall to see many of the same students shopping when I hadn’t a dime to my name, and what I did have I spent on excessively-priced supplements. 

Yes, lonely was I, though through the gauntlet I was able to learn more about me and more about the world in that year than anything in class. I saw people, cultures, races, activities, genres of things that I had never experienced, known to exist, or if I did, they were only depicted in the movies or TV shows growing up, depictions that caught the structure, but not the essence, not like this. I learned more about me too, not enough to proceed in a healthy fashion, but enough to know that the way I think and the things and way I go about doing them, not natural to the masses. Not anything special or that unique for I know through my MEME usage that there are plenty of people that think like I think, but in the fact that I can see what I do as a detriment or a positive, that part is up to me. 

Saying hi to every single person in hopes to catch a friend or be recognized in a positive manner by the attractive people is like applying to every “junk” email that promises you money, the intention is superficial and real relationships take investment, caring about another, learning about them, and being vulnerable yourself, possibly getting hurt in the process. Yes, "possibly getting hurt," is the last part, the most unwanted, and the reason we avoid actual communication and stay online these days. The very, very few times I actually “put myself” out there I was rejected, and oh boy was my island shook. I almost contemplated tossing what little comfort I had into more of the water through the rejections I did face. 

I had to go through what I went through to be me today and to understand others who go through the transition from kid to adult overnight. I know what we all think everybody else is doing is the correct way, but in reality, theirs can be the most messed up way of all, like a line starting in the middle of nowhere and people keep coming up nobody asking what for, only to find out there was nothing at the end. We have to think for ourselves and reinforce that what we think and feel is more valid than what we THINK others think and feel. 

God Bless. 

My Book, Castle-Broken depicts more of my thinking and excessive gym time to promote a body image that wasn’t real or obtainable. My struggles to help you, your reading to help support  my writing, a win-win. Click HERE.