Through Glass.

The evening, a time at the end of a work day. Nothing significant, only another day at work, neither "good" nor "bad." Sometimes, after work, my mood is organically upbeat, not stimulated by some "good idea" or caffeine. Rather, I have my moments where things are good and I like those moments. Sometimes, however the night seems dreary, a continuation of the work day, despite my best efforts to see otherwise.

Some days after work be like...

The mind racing, thinking and interpreting things a certain way, a way that interferes sometimes, enhances others, but overall has to be accepted as "the hand I was dealt." I like quotes, for they encompass something I might never have captured. I quote people because then it takes some of the stress off of me to explain, after all, someone else more prominent wrote it, so there it is. The mind likes concrete concepts. Unfortunately, life is not concrete. Life isn't even as solid as Jell-O. 

Life is this water that rushes too and fro. A constant movement, requiring adaptation, and drowning those unable to swim. Drowning however, not an immediate death, but rather a long, slow torture where there are ample opportunities to get better. Drowning for me was reaching for others to save me, when there was a piece of driftwood right in front of me the entire time. I overlooked the wood and instead saw off in the distance a group, on a boat, and I thought that was where I needed to be. As the water filled my lungs, I saw that my actions are not beneficial, yet I continued to thrash and kick hoping that one day I would get within grasp of a boat. 

Other days be like...

I am in the water, I am not feeling the water however. Instead, I am watching myself in the water, like a sports analyst at a football game. I freeze the live moment and analyze what should be done, playing chess with myself to determine the best outcome. "Well, if I kick this way, and turn like this..."Better explained as, "If I say this thing to this person, but wear these clothes, maybe they will interpret me as a 'successful' person." I am not living. I am watching, analyzing. Seeing myself during the play saying, "he shouldn't have done that," before the play has even concluded. After all, some of my best moves were the Hail Mary's that concluded without an original plan. 

I rarely perform without thought though. Instead I do not play, I watch. Even myself. I interpret what he thinks, what she thinks, what they think, only to fail in accordance to at least one of those perspectives. "Be authentic, " a concept that sounds so easy. Just being is not so easy to a protected self. A guarded human who struggles with fear of rejection. A low self-esteem that needs validation from somewhere, to be something. I am not enough, but rather, if I can get just a little bit from this earth, her riches, then the inhabitants of it will like me too. 

Love is a noble cause, for we all need it. I made the concrete observation that I can obtain more ways of the world to therefore get more love. My TV step-parent taught me that kids with nice houses have more friends. That adults with a nice title seem to get along better. Eventually, the guy at the gym with big muscles showed me that he can get an attractive girlfriend. Rather, there was more to the story, a deeper understanding by those who lived the way I interpreted as concrete. Those people were living that way not to be anything, but because they were just living. 

Likes, dislikes, decisions on parenting now, all things people do based on who they are. Who am I? I am an observer. I have insight into why people do what they do, intuition as they call it. I can understand and emphasize with people because I have done it my entire life. I learned what others did, mimicked the best parts, and tried to be them by merely wearing their skin. Apparently, this facade is not enough because I am not them and mimicking their behaviors does not make me so. 

I now find myself searching for what I feel I should do, rather than what I feel like doing. My initial thought is what should I do here, rather than doing. I have some surprises, some gifts from God where I am reminded that I am in fact a person and not a machine programmed to be efficient. Life is not worth living if it is preplanned or analyzes and rarely experienced. 

Watching myself in the terrarium of life. I am close, I can feel the warmth of my soul as I try to be noble in my acts. Chasing valuable things in this life and the next. I can use my ability to assist those with problems, for validation comes easily because I too have experienced as close to that feeling as possible without wearing the shoes myself. I have the choice to see a gift rather than a detriment. I can use for good, or sit in my own puke. However, sometimes, like this evening, I want to just do, experience, live in that moment. I want to feel and do, not coordinate, and try to control. I want to love and embrace, not desire for those things and plan how to do them. This is the glass case of emotions I keep bottled for fear of exposure and then a rejection from others. 

It comes and goes for no feeling lasts forever. 

More inside turmoil and how I found out I needed to work on things about myself. Click Here.